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Post by Uskiya on Jul 2, 2005 13:59:34 GMT -5
I'm thinking of being a writer and I only have the critics of my friends so please feel free to critic me please.
Juilles stood inside the stone walls watching the other children play outside. The cool morning air sent puffs of breath as Juilles breathed out with a heavy sigh. Her place of holding was small and damp with overhead leaks, the floor cracked and jutted out in places, making it difficult to walk. Juilles herself boasted long black hair that clung to her soaking up the moisture. Her eyes were a grey clouded with hatred for all who betrayed her.
It was this betrayal that had led Juilles into this cold and damp captivity, the betrayal that kept her locked up when those beyound sight needed her. Her small fragile frame gave off a delicate air that fluttered around Juilles.
Juilles pounded her fist against the wall cursing those who led her here, away from the wolf pack that she had to protect from the danger. She looked to the ceiling as the water splattered across her brow, fixating her eyes on a single crack in the ceiling. She wondered if the wolves knew where she was.
A tall male black wolf padded across the hardened ground scenting the air carefully before leading the pack forward. His auds swiveled around picking up the slightest sound. He turned to adress to young pups who wrestled with eachother. "It is obvious that we must keep looking, but the pups are to young to travel much further." He eyed the pups as they settled down and listened to his voice. "Someone must take them back."
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Post by Farrah on Jul 4, 2005 17:48:40 GMT -5
Very good. One suggestion...(sorry if I'm too picky!)...you used the word (Juilles) too many times instead of substituting a pronoun or something else...again, sorry if I'm picky. Write more...the suspence is killing me.
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Post by Uskiya on Jul 4, 2005 19:25:59 GMT -5
I like the pickiness, it helps me improve.
A grey wolf with white fur around his muzzle stepped forward head bowed in submission. "I will take them back, my life here is draining. I would only slow you down." The black male eyed the grey one suspiciously, he had never offered help before. "You may take them, so long as Isa goes with you." the male growled waiting for Isa to make her way forward. As she did her face sunk causing her black fur marks to look like eyebrows. She looked up carefully avoiding the male's eyes. "I don't see why she must accompany me." the grey varg growled raising his head in defiance. "I will take care of the pups just fine." He slipped toward the pups with an air of anger. "Isa. Go with him." the male growled turning away from the pack and setting his eyes toward the east. " We will be out of cover soon. Go!" he barked lunging at Isa. Isa lept backwards into the grey male, she cowered before him trembling. "Come." He commanded to the pups then turned to Isa and pushed her forward with his maw. He hurried them along, trotting swiftly to break seeing distance from the pack. "It wouldn't be too long now." the grey male thought.
A small girl cowared in the corner, watching the sun slowly rise. The air in her contaiment area was slowly warming, but that didn't make her feel any better. The one thing that plagued her mind was the constant threat of the grey male. She knew his intentions and hoped that the pack leader would see them as well. Juilles stood stiffly, hugging the wall as she rose to keep from falling, with a stiff gate she trotted to the window where she could see the other children. One young boy down below looked up, glaring at the slightly fogged window he stuck his tongue out and laughed. Up above Juilles turned away, returning to the ever fading shadows that she preffered. With a sigh the young girl looked to the door which stood between her and saving an entire pack of wolves from destruction, but the door was heavily bolted from the outside. There was no way she could escape, unless... She turned toward the window, speculating how sturdy the glass pane really was. She walked slowly and peered out the window, there was a branch two feet directly beyond the window, she could catch it.
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Post by Farrah on Jul 4, 2005 20:15:08 GMT -5
Thanks. The suspense REALLY WAS killing me, ya know? Do you come up with these stories instantly or do you have to plan and draft things out first? I ask this not to insult you, but just out of pure curiosity. Sorry if my questions anoy you. Keep on going. Oh, and thanks for the comment on my story...well...more like combined tale. It helps with the creativity to know someone actually appreciates your work. Write more! Write more! Write more! (If you don't, I'll just have to keep typing it in my replies!)
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Post by Uskiya on Jul 4, 2005 21:07:16 GMT -5
Well, this story I came up with as I was writing, other stories I draft out and stuff. Usually I come up with an idea and start writing and write down more specific things and draft those. I love your questions, they're fun to answer.
Juilles' heart raced as she appraoched the window, carefully looking toward the branch 2 feet away. She glanced below watching the children empty into a playing field where they dissapeard from sight. With a satisfied smile the girl backed slowly away drifting into the shadows speculating if she could break the window without jumping out. It seemed unlikely that she would have enough power with out the momentum running would bring Turning from the window the girl brought her hands toward her chest and concentrated, bringing forth a small light that peirced the shadows.
Isa watched nervously as the grey male picked up speed, she glanced back at the lagging pups. Wishing she could ease their exhaustion. "Please, we mus slow down." Isa said cowering beside the preoccupied grey male. He glared down at her baring his teeth but smiled menacingly as he watched the two pups panting. "You are right." he sweetly grinned slowing for the pups. "You can carry one and the other I will despose of." He turned wheeling at one of the pups. "No!" Isa yelled darting in front of the grey male and felt the rip of teeth across her shoulder. She staggered back pushing the pups away from the grey male. "What are you doing?" She growled keeping the pups behind her protectively while she watched the grey male. "It is all for the good of the population." He drooled greedily as he watched the pup he had singled out to be the sacrifice. "Out of my way." He demanded taking a step closer. "We are supposed to get both pups back home. There is no danger." Isa said keeping the pups far from the grey male as she could. "We have to make a sacrifice." The male charged at Isa. "run little ones." the femme yelled turning and pushing the pups into a run, "if we can get back to the pack." she thought looking back at the male. "I'm to tired." the planned sacrificed pup said falling back. Isa grabbed him in her maw and caught up with the other pup. The femme felt the presence of the grey behind, he was gaining on them. Fear struck the femme as she thought of how to get the other cub. They might be small enough for her to grab both of them in her moutn. She bent down swooping her maw onto the pup while she kept part of her maw on the first pup. Isa stumbled as she grabbed the other pup, her paws flying out to the sides trying to recover. She pitched forward tumbling to the ground, her maw stayed closed tight as the weight of the pups threatened to rip her maw open. Isa turned over and watched as the grey was closing in. Isa felt panick rise in her as she turned over trying to get up. "Give me that pup!" the grey growled leaping forward to overtake the femme. Isa's eyes filled with fear as she turned her head and watched the grey leap from the ground. She lept forward exploding from her haunches and launching herself out of the grey's reach. He cursed as Isa ran swiftly from him. "I can not let her get to the pack." He spat sourly into the dirt, shaking leaves from his grey and white coat. His thoughts raced through the forest tracing back to shortcuts he had once taken when he himslef had been a pup. Long before he had to grow up so swiftly.
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Roma
Sikla
The Shadow
Posts: 446
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Post by Roma on Jul 4, 2005 22:44:29 GMT -5
Eherm. *takes out fake glasses and strokes goatee* You asked for comment, so I will give it to you. Please don't be insulted though, I'm not exactly the master of contstructive critisism.
The idea is vague, and details are scarce. Take some time to describe your chracters, and the settings more than just the actions, and a few thoughts of the mind. I'm assuming these wolves are in some sort of captivity? Explain the background, or at least allude to it with flashbacks, or conversation, even thought if necesary. The flow is choppy, and I don't really know what is happening. The characters have yet to be introduced fully and described. It all reads sort of run together. My tip is, the best way to give the reader the essence of time is to actually let time pass. Between actions that are not simoultaneous or in immediate succession, give periods of description to take the reader's mind off of the action. Your piece, becuase of it's lack of detail and descrition is flat, and monotonous. Looking for time in it is like trying to drive with depth-perception incabability.
Mainly, read it outloud. I read everything I write outloud, from the posts I write on here to manuscripts I am preparing to get published. (yes.. I am nearing that stage with some of my work.... publishing *shivers*) Reading it outloud helps you see how others will read it, and see it. If it doesn't flow, or it doesn't sound right, don't hesitate to revise it, and over and over again until you get it perfect. Ive spent hours on single parapgraphs before, revising word choice, tenses and tone until it fit flawlessly into the work.
Thge best tip I can give you as a fellow writer is to continue writing. Practice, and write alot. Read to increase your vocabulary, and to be able to recognise good writing. Not but a year and a half ago I was a terrible writer, and I mean terrible. But over time I have developed a personal style, strength and confidence in my skills, and am now preparing to get published. I am fourteen and soon to be an author. I too dream of being a novelist, and will be glad to share my passion about writing with you, or anyone else who is interested.
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Post by Uskiya on Jul 4, 2005 22:58:48 GMT -5
Thank you. I needed something like that. All my friends that have read my stories, except my parents say it's good and give me little critism. So I thank you very much. What do you do for writer's block, or when you feel like what you are writing at he time is crappy?
Isa slowed to a lope as she threaded trees and bushes, avoiding quick and simple ways so as to slow the grey male. She halted suddenly and felt her fur prickle up, she swiveled her head slightly and scented the air. The male's scent was close, he had gained on them somehow. Isa lowered herself close to the ground and listened, her brown coat blackening as she had aged. She was now an inexperienced sikla who felt her life in danger, and the lives of the two pups. The male pup was a deep ebony, the color of his father's coat and the femme was a rich brown and grey color similar to her mother. The male pup squirmed in Isa's maw as she raised herself up, xposing only her head above the bushes.
If you don't mind, what would you tell me to fix in the above writing?
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Roma
Sikla
The Shadow
Posts: 446
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Post by Roma on Jul 4, 2005 23:51:38 GMT -5
For writers block, I simply go do something else for a while.. go have a sandwich, watch some TV, play my guitar... anything to get my mind off my writing. I then try to come back to it, and read over what I wrote up to that point, and then just begin writing again, and force myself to write for a little bit. If it still doesn't sound good, I quit for a while again. That's the only process I know of to avoid writers block. Just distract youself with something else for a while, then try to come back.
About that peice. I could re-write it as an example and dictate about it to yah, but I don't think that is what you want. lol, so I shall try and take the harder aproach, disection. * cue Dracula music*
What I would do is analyse it peice by piece. First, ask yourself the purpose of the text, in this case, the paragraph. Then, read it to yourself as though you were some random person off the street. How's the intonation? The rythm? Is it easy to say, or are you fumbling over words? I do this mainly becuase, if the mouth can process it, someone else's mind can easily process it and get the imformation out of the peice, or whatever message you are trying to portray.
Then, re-evaluate the purpose. Are there muliple points in the paragraph? Or worse-- actions of to seperate beings? Take each of the points, and expand on them, first letting the reader know the situation.
(really, this was not a good piece to choose, becuase it's the guts of a piece, and most of the things should already be described, such as the names, character, surroundings, goal, and why what is happening is taking place)
Okay, so assuming you have described the situation ahead of time, the characters, and the actions that are taking place, you can now dissect the current paragraph.
The first point I see is Isa slowing down. Tell of her current gait, and the transition. Speak of how her body moves, and how she has to adapt to the environment, hence the bushes and such she is walking through.
This sentence is also unclear: "avoiding quick and simple ways to slow the grey male." Now, we as readers know that Isa is trying to slow and avoid the grey male, but the sentence tells us otherwise. The sentence tells us that she is trying to AVOID slowing the male, therefore trying to speed him up, or bring him closer. Thigs like this can be seen when read aloud. it conflicts doesnt it? I try to avoid double negatives unless I'm writing in passive tense.
The next action is her halting and fur prickling up. Explain this process. Explain why, how, where. Then, take a moment to re-evaluate her motives in the text. perhaps her thoughts. This is a style issue, but half of writing good work is about style.
I like the beginning of your description of the two vargs, comparing them to eachother, and other vargs, such as Isa's father. However, this needs to be put in a seperate paragraph, and expanded upon. Use some analogies in your description. Metaphors make readers go crazy, trust me. A successful writer's best friend is a metaphor. Writing without similes and metaphors is dry, dull, monotonous, and makes the reader want to stop reading. Readers need something to relate to. We are not in your head, and we can only see what detail you give us, and metaphors provide excellent anchors for the immagination.
And last, the small pup squirming in her maw. Perhpas you should have reminded the reader of that earlier in the text. Perhaps have Isa be cautious, or thoughtful about the pup she was carrying when crouching. A simple mention is all that's needed to keep the reader's mind refreshed on the situation.
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Post by Uskiya on Jul 5, 2005 10:02:07 GMT -5
Okay, cool. *quick to the batcave* Thanks.
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Post by Uskiya on Jul 5, 2005 10:27:31 GMT -5
this is a modification of the last paragraph.
Isa galloped through the forest holding tightly the pups that hung limply from her maw, her eyes darted out wildly like eyes of a cornered rabbit. The pups bounced aorund as Isa ran swiftly, the male pup weighed more than Isa had planned on and her jaw mucsles were tireing quickly. Up ahead bushes and trees crowded the path Isa wanted to take, her legs were aching and she couldn't keep up such a fast past. She shortened her strides quickly and slowed to a lope as the trees and bushes neared her, the male pup threatened to slip out of Isa's maw as she darted beside the first bush, with a reluctant growl Isa struck out her front paws and slammed her haunches down using her weight to skid to a stop, her front paws skidded under a nearby bush.. The male pup was released from her maw along with his sister as they tumbled across the dirty ground missing a tree but landing under a large green bush threatening to take over the forest floor with it's high branches.
Juilles watched as the children had dissapeared, her confinement was angering her and she had made up her mind that she had to escape now. She thought back to the first day she had been forced to come here. It had been winter and the ground had been completely white, h much like that of her Uncle's hair, he had custody of her but refused to be held down by a twelve year old girl, so he had taken her to the boarding school for young children. Juilles hadn't always been in this confined prison in which she stood now, before she had been a bright young girl, before the black wolf came to speak with her.
The black wolf trotted forward through the trees, his long legs pounding the ground rythmically as he led his pack toward the gates of their prison. The forest in which the wolves had lived freely was now a caged prison that skirted the left side of the boarding school. They had lived freely until the boarding had been opened, it was then their prison had been built, for saftey of the children. Authoroties had told animal activists as they protested the confinement of the wolf pack. The black male watched carefully as he neared the gate, his eyes scanning for any threat that lurked outside of his confined walls.
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Post by Farrah on Jul 5, 2005 21:03:57 GMT -5
One suggestion from me. You use the names of the characters too much. For instance, you used the name Isa 7 times in the first paragraph. You also need other descriptives other than the pronouns she and he. They crowd your sentences and make it seem as though you're only an ammature, which I know by now you are definately not. You used "she" and "her" a total of 24 times in the whole thing. You could substite those for descriptions of the wolves and/or people. Descriptions under these circumstances can tye in with descriptions in general. They don't have to be elaborate, but if they are, they make you sound more profesional and also bring the story to life more efficiently. Also, the human mind tends to repeat things, so you need to watch out for this in your sentences. For example...
The forest in which the wolves had lived freely was now a caged prison that skirted the left side of the boarding school. They had lived freely until the boarding had been opened, it was then their prison had been built, for saftey of the children.
You repeated the fact that the wolves had lived freely, that thy now had a caged prison, and it was next to the boarding school. Those two sentences could have been combined into a heavy laden detailed sentence rounded to perfection, but instead it sounded very beaten and bruised. Also, the sentence "Authorities had told animal activists as they protested the confinement of the wolf pack" is very muddled. It sounds very "fragmenty". I know that's not a word, but the only other thing I could think of was unfinished, which is very confusing. What did the authorities tell animal activists? It doesn't fully explain in the sentence. Also, you fail to describe the condition of the prison. Is it metal bars, fence, concrete wall, electric fence? A little explanation of that would be nice. Also, you need to further describe the characters as they are introduced...not as a tag on at the end of the paragraph as if in an afterthought. That just ruins the whole structure. I know you didn't do that at the very end of the paragraph, but it ruined the structure of the sentence. Also, some of your sentences carried on...
It had been winter and the ground had been completely white, h much like that of her Uncle's hair, he had custody of her but refused to be held down by a twelve year old girl, so he had taken her to the boarding school for young children.
One thought was never finished when another thought began. Either the two sentences needed to be smoothly combined or else they needed to be sufficiently disconnected. Most of your vocabulary is advanced, but some could use some work. You need to provide more variety. You didn't write this exerpt. It's just a made up example.
The black wolf turned and saw a white rabbit. The rabbit was fat. The white rabbit then turned and ran. The wolf ran after it. The black wolf caught it after a while. The wolf howled. The wolf ate it and was full.
I used the word black, white, and rabbit twice. I also used ran twice. Wolf was way over used. The vocabulary and structure of the sentence is very basic and just all out stinks. You are not quite so bad. Remember, this is just an exaggerated example used to direct your attention towards your petty mistakes which you could easily rise above because you're so much better than that! Here is the revised edit. (The first copy was more of a basic brainstorm)
The dark ebony wolf turned slowly as it sensed prey nearby. It was a plump snow-shoe hare nibbling on a piece of long grass. The wolf steadied itself and pounced, but it was too late. The white rodent had heard it before the slaughter could be accomplished and was springing quickly toward its burrow. The wolf was in hot pursuit. The two figures raced through the snow with the latter slowly gaining. With a final burst of effort, the powerful canine lunged, breaking the hare's neck with one swipe of its shadow like paw. The long starved wolf raised its muzzle to the sky in a long praise to its ancestors for providing the meat finally. It then began to hastily devour the well deserved meal. Finally it would be satisfied.
This is not my best. I'm tired and have to sleep eventually so my thinking is muddled but you get what you bargained for. Again, I'm sorry if I'm too critical.
To Neit: I'm also a part-time publisher. I won a couple hundred dollars in a contest that I didn't try to win. Also, in sixth grade, I got an article published in some magazines. I don't remember which ones they were (I was young then *sigh*) but it happened none the less. I like your quote. I love Poe! The Raven was not my absolute favorite but I still like it. It's creepy. I like your approach...you are very critical...are you homeschooled? Where did you learn this sort of stuff from? I wouldn't say it came naturally to me completely...I have some good influence. Oh yeah...I was wondering if you could give me a list of good books to read because, until Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince comes out, I'm stuck with nothing to read. I like books like the Sight and Warriors and Redwall and Artemis Fowl and Watership Down and Eragon and Lord of the Rings. Sorry about all the "and"'s...I was thinking about them as I went along. I'll pretty much take any subject but those are some of my personal favorites. Oh, by the way...would you read my "story" and give your views on it? I need some general criticism also...please don't criticise for what "Farrah" didn't write though. I had to revise some of the other inputs but didn't dwell on them. Those were written by other people and I really have nothing to do with them. But if you do spot some stupid mistakes that I didn't catch, please don't hesitate. Thx!
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Post by Uskiya on Jul 5, 2005 23:27:50 GMT -5
Okay, what other words do you suggest, I sometimes get stuck.
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Post by atrus on Jul 6, 2005 0:52:04 GMT -5
I loved it.I also wish to write novels.Maybe,eventually,I can get one published.But,I think that costs money....
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Post by Uskiya on Jul 6, 2005 0:55:32 GMT -5
Why thankyou! I hope to do a lot of improvement on this one, thanks to the helpful critism I've been recieving. *points above*
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Post by atrus on Jul 6, 2005 1:22:42 GMT -5
Oh,I never recieve helpful criticism.Mostly,I just recieve destructive critisicm.
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