:The Spiral: (Draeg only)

[Koan]

Shadows hung heavily from the lands of Ge-rad. Like strange beasts, they hung, waiting for any fool to come close enough to be devoured by them.

The darkness matched his mood, this battle steel wolf. He had sat here, shaking under these trees for days now, emiting little more then soft whines and yips. He wa shaking with grief and sorrow, longing and an unquenchable flame. Why did he do this to himself; nay, to those he loved? He pushed them away, distancing himself from them… in truth he knew why he did it. He did it to avoid attaching himself, so that could not =hurt as much when he losst again. Nay, he’d rather sit and drown in his memories, bittersweet, savouring merely the bitter, and not the sweet.

He was spiraling, losing his drive as time went on. His silver normall,y but now it was dingy, blood caked from the raw scars. The fever in his eyes screamed for help, from any source.

[Draeg]

Draeg sat silently atop his perch on the crag’s watching his son wallowing in his own self-pity, he had been like this for the better part of two sun’s now and in the whole time the scarred gray wolf had been there all he had done was sit there like some ominous stone sentential.

Several days had past since Koan had stormed off after Draeg had teased upon learning of his son’s engagement to the lovely Lydair and it seemed that the scarred silver still hadn’t gotten over his feelings of resentment toward his father’s teasing. The amber Dragga looked down at the still form of the dead rabbit lying at his feet and sighed, it seemed to Draeg that Koan could barely tolerate his presence these days and that his son had drifted even further apart from him then ever had in all their time together. More than anything Draeg wished things were back to the way they had been before Huts had died, back when Koan had looked up to him and treated him like his actual father rather than some stranger that kept pestering him. But Draeg knew that things would never be the same between them, Huts had saw to that on the day she had drawn her last breath. No, nothing would ever be the same again between father and son no matter how hard Draeg tried, but with a little luck perhaps he could at least mend some of the damage that resulted from Huts’ death.

Taking a firm hold of the lifeless lera in his powerful jaws and picking it up off the ground the golden Dragga of Ge-Rad leapt down from the his spot on the crags and steadily made his way over to his son, drooping the fresh kill at his feet upon reaching the silver dragga. “Hey, I thought you might be hungry. You haven’t eaten anything in two days.” He growled, nudging the lera closer to him. “Are you still mad?”

[Koan]

"I'm not." He said flatly, not even lookingt at the amber male. "You go ahead and eat your kill." Koan felt his familiar drive flare up again, the urge to kill... but not Lera, like the world intended. How could he even claim to be Draeg's son when he still wanted to tear the other limb from limb. But now... now it was for different reasons. The thrice damned Dragga wouldn't leave him be. Could no one leave him to ponder his sins? Was it really that hard to stay away from him? No matter what, the young male took everything as critical anymore, another slash upon his own self worth, which had dwindled. He was replused by his every thought and emotion anymore, from pity, to sorrow, to grief, to lust, to love, to happiness. In truth, he couldn't stand himself. He truely felt like a blot on the world anymore. He couldn't even claim to have a purpose. He stood far too divided; wanting both to love his father as his father, and hate him to have someone to blame; he wanted himself to be happy, but at the same time felt he did not deserve such a luxaery as happiness. He even felt divided in who he loved. His whole person was divided in two, the half that had been forged by Huts, Draeg, Lydair, Cwen, and even Serg and Nocturnia; the healthy part. And then there was the part of him that was still foolish, and felt disgusting, as if he were the lowest of Sikla; the part of him that was making him so violently ill.

He glared at Draeg. "No, I'm not angery, of course not." he said, his voice carrying an edge.

[Draeg]

“Oh don’t give me that!” Draeg growled, his features drooping further. “If that were the case you wouldn’t be pushing me away right now.” He met Koan’s steely gaze evenly, his amber eyes locking with those of his adopted son’s as he tried to sort out exactly why Koan always seemed to be pushing him further and further away. Peering deeply into his son’s eyes Draeg couldn’t help but wonder if this was really the same pup he had taken in all those moons ago, the amber varg could never figure out exactly why or when the timid little pup he had called his son had grown into the cold, bitter wolf that stood brooding before him now. Letting out a sad sigh Draeg looked away and turned his head up toward the starlit night sky. “You know, I still remember the day I took you to the river. It was just after you tried to run away and I was teaching you how to fish despite the fact that I was afraid of the water, I remember how happy you were when you managed to catch that grayling and how proud I was of you. Heh, that was first time you ever called me dad.” He turned his gaze back over to the gun gray wolf. “What happen to us Koan, when did we drift so far apart?”

[Koan]

"I'd say it happened about half way between when Huts died and when you decided to humilate me in front of Lydair." He replied. "It's only gone downhill, hasn't it?" The steel gray wolf's eyes met Draeg's for a moment. "I don't think that that wolf you once knew was ever real. He wasa a fake, created by me, I suppose. Merely to allow me some delusions of safety. I was a fool. " He rose now, the sick wounds on his body oozing. "I mean.. love? How could anyone love me?" he inquired. "How could I have ever thought that Huts would've been interested in me? I disgusted her, and I probably do now. " His voice was filled with poison, pouring out every vile thought that churned beneath the surface. "And you... you call me your son, but I can't understand why you would even consider me to be so. I tried to kill you, I've only been a self centered ass lately, and on top of all that... I don't even deserve you." Then he turned his thoughts again. "I don't deserve her either. I can see it in her eyes, when she sees me. She pities me, she doesn't love me. How could she?"

The wolf lay down again. "And... I don't know why I called you Dad. I didn't earn the right to call you my father... you should just leave me here..."

(don't worry... he'll buck up soon, I promise... sorry, ive gotta show how he's sorta healed.)

[Draeg]

His eyes blazing furiously with unbridled anger the amber varg leapt to his feet and shot his paw out to cuff his son without so much as a word of warning, tired of Koan’s constant depression and angered by his words toward his new mate. “Enough!” he snarled fiercely, something he had never done with Koan before. “Don’t be stupid, you know just as well as I do that Huts loved you more than anything in the world so don’t you dare say otherwise! But you’re right when you said that she’d probably be disgusted with you right now because I sure as hell am!”

His lip curled into a scornful sneer and he bared his fangs at the young silver male, his face a mask of anger and rage as he barked mercilessly at his companion, boring his brilliant amber orbs into Koan’s identical ones. “How can you say that Lydair doesn’t love you, how can you even think it? If you’re going to say things like that then you really don’t deserve her, I’ve seen the way she looks at you and witnessed the tenderness in her eyes just upon hearing your name. Take it from me Koan, there’s no one else in all the world that she’d rather be with than you. She loves you, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you’ll find what you’ve been looking for all you’re life!”

Breaking away from his proximity with scarred dragga Draeg began padding away, moving swiftly through the tree line at a steady pace until the moon was visible to him at which point he stopped and seated himself back on his haunches. Koans words had upset him more than he was letting on, the fact that the silver varg always seemed to be trapped in the depths of his depression pained him greatly and Draeg longed to days when his son was still innocent and happy to be part of a stable family. Turning his head slightly Draeg glared at Koan over his shoulder, his amber eyes still burning with rage as he motioned for the younger varg to take a seat beside him.

Taking a deep breath in a forced attempt to calm himself down the amber Dragga of Ge-Rad turned his attention back up toward the glittering night sky, scanning the Starlit Path for a brief moment as though he were looking for something before finally settling his gaze on the silvery-white form of the moon hanging silently overhead. “I don’t want you saying things like that again, ever! About Lydair. About Huts. Or about me. None of it, do you understand?” he growled, his gaze still facing skywards. “Koan I know who you are, this isn’t you or at the very least it shouldn’t be. I know you think you don’t deserve it but the fact of the matter is that you are my son, regardless of what you tried to do to me. Do you think that I haven’t done stupid things in my lifetime? Why in Garm’s name do you think I was in the mountains for a moon? For my health? You never had to do anything to earn my permission to call me father, one of the happiest days of my life was the day you first called me by that title at the river.” His paw shot out again, though this time in a more playful manner as he let out a light chuckle. “And for Garm’s sake don’t be so sensitive, that was only one time and if it made Lydair smile than shouldn’t it be well worth a little joke on your expense? Just be grateful that Gryffin hadn’t been there otherwise you’d had been in for some real humiliation.”

[Koan]

The younger gave an indignent snarl as Draeg's paw connected with him. Outrage and another flash of humilation; despite the fact that there were no others around, Koan felt embarassed. Draeg was a paitent Varg; he'd never layed a paw on Koan for his entire youth, up until this point. And this, Koan thought, was the most hurtful part of all. Something must've snapped inside of him, because the amber wolf continued his lecture. Koan's anger seethed again. He wasn't some cub. He'd grown older, and Draeg had no right to treat him as if he were no older then one of his own pups.

"I'm not your blasted cub! Not anymore!" he spat, suddenly, a strange outburst as Draeg stormed away. "I'm not some youngster, Draeg. I'm not just a pup anymore, so quit acting like you know whats best for me!"

He followed the amber wolf, still furious, so much so he scarcely listen as he spoke. "I don't care. You still had no right to humilate me. I never.. NEVER... did anything like that to you. " The male had sunk even lower now, despite Draeg's attempts. "I can't even fathom this anymore, Draeg." he growled. "How can you know who I am. I don't even know who YOU are anymore." he growled. "The whole time you were getting a pack, having a pair of mates, everything. Where was out bond then Draeg? You never even trusted me enough to introduce me to either of them. Did you ever wonder why I blamed you for Huts' death? I can tell you." His head dipped again. "I know for a fact she chose to die. She chose to leave me. But you know what?" he spat. "I don't even know the cubs that she died for. I don't know the damn fae that she fought for. I never met her."

Finall, koan tilted his head away, sighing. "I've also been meaning to tell you.. I'm leaving Ge-rad. There's no palce for me here. Your wolves are... normal. None of them want to deal with me; yourself included. Besides..." he said softly. "I don't know.. I don't want to have cubs in a pack. I want my cubs to be raised like I was... by a Kerl." He stared at Draeg for a moment, and then sighed. "Forget it. It's nothing you could understand. Go raise your cubs, Draeg." The gun-steel wolf stood up, padding away softly.

[Draeg]

Draeg’s eyes widened in shock as Koan’s spiteful outburst reached his ears, taken aback by the straightforward nature of the younger varg’s statement Draeg reared his head back and stared the wolf he had raised as his own son in disbelief. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard, Koan had disowned him! After everything Draeg had done for the scarred wolf Koan had denounced himself as his son, claiming that neither the amber Dragga or anyone in the pack wanted anything to do with him and accusing him of never telling him about Cwen and Firefly. “That’s not true!” he growled angrily, his voice raw with pain and anguish. “I told you about them both and you know it! I even introduced you to Firefly twice and told you that you were going to have siblings, but I guess you must have forgotten about that!” Draeg’s voice had been rising steadily with each word as his anger grew until finally he found himself yelling at the varg that had once called him father.

Upon hearing mention of Huts he glared coldly at the scarred warrior, his lip twitching as Koan went on about how he didn’t even know Cwen or his siblings and revealed that he was planning on leaving the Ge-Rad. “You assume too much!” he spat. “Huts was a fighter, she chose to stay behind and fight so Cwen and I could have a chance, and in either case she already had business with the Balkar to begin with just in case you’ve forgotten that too. And if I ever hear you speak that way about Cwen again I promise you the beating Yeju gave you will be nothing compared to what I’ll do to you! Huts didn’t die so you could scorn the femme she gave her life to defend!” Averting his gaze the amber Dragga of Ge-Rad looked down at his paws sadly as his voice faded to whisper. “And maybe if you didn’t shut everyone out and gave them a chance you would actually know your brothers and kid sister, I don’t know if they should anymore but they do look up too you…I did too actually.”

((I think this could've been better but I'm running out of ideas for this))

[Koan]

Koan stopped, looking back at him. "You presume to much as well, Draeg. I have every right to resent Cwen, and you. Had I known what I know now, perhaps I could've at least been there for her. But the past is the past, Draeg. You can't erase my resentment towards her. No one but I can do that..." He paused reflectively. His amber eyes soften suddenly, a strange look in them. "I'm not ready to let go of hate. It's like letting go of my memories of her. Of course,I would still remember... you can't ever forget. But... they'd fade. All the good times, all my former happiness... it would blur, become less real.." He stared at Draeg, still with ache in those eyes. "Can you understand that? Can you understand that hate is all I've had for the longest time?"

As Draeg spoke of shutting people out, Koan gave another scornful laugh. "Forgive my laughter, but I'm still pretty sure I'm not the only one shutting people out." He shook his head. "Besides, letting people in...everyone I have up until now... they've all hurt me."

Koan gave a strange look to him. "And don't yell at me how you haven't. It would be lieing, and...I don't want you to lie to me... I'm tired of lies, and secrets, and hiding. It's not worth anything. " His voice changed. "I...I think I wanted to be alone. I wanted to figure out what was wrong with me...why everything hurt like it did. But as time passes, I realize more and more how much I've changed... and not for the better. Sometimes I think I left you too early... I was never this... wrong, this stranger to myself. Not when I was younger. Then I left, and things changed. How did I go so wrong?" He was shaking now, not from anger, or sorrow, or any one emotion. It was a cluster self lotheing, sorrow, self-pity, and a desire, if just for a moment, to let himself be protected by someone else. "All these emotions have gotten me is more pain. Lydair doubts me, Huts finds me foul... and you. You of everyone... I've hurt the most. You.. you never even threatned me before this, never raised a paw to me...what is worth loseing everything for... even your own father? I can't even bring myself to call you Dad anymore..." Koan stared at him, pondering his response to this.
(it's almost over. That gave me loads to work with. Thanks!)

[Draeg]

“I didn’t know either!” Draeg barked, a pained look slowly making its way across his features. “I didn’t even know where my own children were going to be born, Cwen wouldn’t tell me. She didn’t want me coming near Sarnes before she gave birth, whether it was to protect me or keep Serg from finding out about her condition I don’t know, but she had Huts with her and they both agreed that I wasn’t to be allowed anywhere near the den. And in either case it wouldn’t have mattered if I had known anyway…” he paused for a moment, closing his eyes and letting out a low whimper as he recalled exactly what had transpired earlier that day. “You see I learned I was going to become a father on the same day it all happened, Cwen had left me alone with Mayan in the Vale of Shadows to go back to Sarnes and I was angry with her for not revealing the location of the den to me so I followed her. By the time I finally caught up to her Cwen had gone into labor and Serg was already on the attack, I managed to stop him before he could reach either Cwen or Huts and finish them off. Serg ran off and tried to bait me into another fight outside of the den, I was about to go after him but Huts cut me off before I could do anything and told me to take Cwen to safety. I didn’t want to leave and neither did Cwen but what could we do, the pups were coming and Cwen was capable of defending herself in her condition. I was torn, in the end I choose to go but I don’t think Cwen ever stopped blaming me for Huts’ death.”

Koan cast him a strange look as his amber eyes softened though they still held the same pained looked in them that they had held since the beginning of their argument, when he spoke his voice was barely above a whisper and his words were filled with the utmost sadness and need for understanding. For a moment Draeg didn’t know what to say, he understood the hatred Koan felt and knew that it wasn’t entirely directed towards anyone in particular but rather the fact that he, like his father, had been powerless to prevent or even stop Huts’ death. The amber varg had felt a similar hatred after the event had taken place but unlike Koan he had found a way to cope with the feeling of loss he had felt and eventually moved on with his life by spending time with his family, Draeg knew that it would probably be a more difficult task for the scarred gray wolf since his self-esteem had never been very high despite Draeg’s attempts to raise them. It was obvious that Koan would not find solace of any kind with Cwen, Firefly, or any of the pups for that matter since he seemed to resent them all for causing Huts’ death, but perhaps Lydair could help return him to the way he had once been. Nuzzling his son’s head comfortingly Draeg spoke, his tone was soft like a gentle breeze. “I understand, sometimes things happen that affect our lives dramatically and cause us to change without really knowing it. Sometimes it’s for the better and other times it’s for the worst, we just have to learn to accept the our task and obstacles that are laid before us and move on with our lives.” He growled, a sad smile forming on his muzzle as he gave Koan a slight shove. “I want you to go straight to Lydair as soon as we’re done here and spend as much time with her as you possibly can, she loves you whether you believe it or not and I know being with her will do you a world of good. And…I’m sorry I cuffed you but I don’t want you disrespecting either of my mates ever again, you may be my son but that doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want.”

((this is crap))