~Anguish~ -private-

[Koan]

Chips of amber glared down at this land. His lip curled in contempt. This was where his father was living now, with his precious Cwen.

Father. Koan could barely even remember the last time he had spoken to Draeg, let alone called him father. Or Dad, or anything of the sort. His wandering ways (which Draeg had never curbed, now Koan wonder why he had not) had prevented it for a time, and then , the loss of the only one he loved did the rest. Koan had recognized his love young. Huts had been older then him; indeed, the young wolf was only at the limits of cubhood himself. But he knew what love was, yes, that he did.

Something his father knew far too well. He had two mates. Two. One of whom had cost Koan any hope of love. He hated his father for it. While Draeg was a happy male with two litters and two mates, Koan was alone. His "siblings" neglected his existence, and his father seemed to have forgotten him. Cwen? Koan doubted that Cwen even knew he exsisted. Koan knew of her, of course, he had been there the day Huts died... they day he decided to slay everything that was held dear to him.

He threw back his head in a laugh. The laugh rang throughout the packlands, a twisted, evil thing, emanting from the mouth of one who could only be called and adolesent. It was a laugh so full of bitterness that he shouldn't have had.

[Draeg]

Tail held high in the air the newly appointed Dragga of Ge-Rad padded boldly along the borders of his territory, stopping occasionally to mark the pack boundaries and survey his surroundings. Draeg had been patrolling the borders since sunrise familiarizing himself with the land and making sure that no one crossed into Ge-Rad unannounced, so far the day had proven uneventful but then again the coppered furred Dragga had hardly patrolled half of his designated area. He had divided the work up with both Shako and Cal and sent them each to patrol the rest of the borders less something slip into Ge-Rad beneath his notice, Draeg knew that he was probably taking his work too seriously however he was filled a deep sense of determination to live up the packs expectations and surpass its previous Dragga.

As he paused to study the air Draeg couldn’t help but think back to the day he had met his predecessor, the amber varg had set out to find a suitable place where he safely raise his children immediately after reconciling with his mate Cwen as Huts had requested, and soon the amber varg’s quest had taken him deep into the boundaries of Ge-Rad where he had met Brypaw, the packs previous Dragga and Draeg’s predecessor. By the time Draeg had run into the elder varg he had already seen enough of Ge-Rad to know that it was exactly what he had set out to find, the amber varg had challenged Brypaw and the pair had fought until Draeg had ultimately emerged victorious and taken control of Ge-Rad.

His train of thought was broken when a familiar scent suddenly filled his nose and caught his attention, lifting his muzzle higher into the air the young Dragga studied the scent further before suddenly breaking out into a hard run. Koan had passed through the pack boundaries and into Ge-Rad not too long ago, Draeg hadn’t seen his son since Huts’ death and the amber varg longed to see the wolf he had adopted as a pup and make sure that he was all right. Draeg knew that Koan blamed him for Huts’ death and that was reason his son had left him without so much as a goodbye, knowing how much Koan had hated him at the time Draeg didn’t blame his son for deciding to leave when he did.

His ears perked at the sounds of laughter though it was so full of hate and bitterness that Draeg could hardly call it laughter, it seemed to come from the trees and it boomed throughout all of Ge-Rad like a twisted howl. Koan was calling for him. He finally spotted him looking down upon the rest of Ge-Rad, the amber varg marveled at how much his son had grown since Daeg had last saw him though he was still smaller than his father by about a head or so. Koan looked so much different from the day abandoned his father to live on his own, although he was still the same gangly pup that Draeg had raised since cubhood his once kind and gentle amber eyes burn feverishly with contempt and Draeg knew that his son still hadn’t forgiven him for Huts’ death. He couldn’t think of anything to say that would describe how much he had missed his son nor how much Huts’ death had affected him as well, as such Draeg could only stand there and stare helplessly at the silver varg. Letting out a soft whine Draeg padded forward, stopping a few feet away from his son and lowering his gaze to the ground and pinning his ears guiltily. After what seemed like an eternity he finally spoke, his voice cracked and raw as he looked back at Koan. “How have you been holding up?”

[Koan]

"I've been holding." he said, the laugh dieing. For an instant, he was sorry, bitterly sorry he couldn't just let this go, and run to his father. He wanted so badly to run to him , and simply let himself break down. He wanted someone who could understand, and the only one who could was right here. For a moment, Koan's mind wavered on the bounderies of giving up his mad rage against Draeg, and just letting go. But he couldn't. His promise to himself still burned in his mind : He would destroy everything that had brought about the fall of his friend. His father, his fathers triple blasted mate, and all of Sarnes, if it need to be done. He would slaughter them all, and by doing so, damn himself. He would become as bad as the Balkar Huts had so violently despised.

At this point, he didn't really care. He just wanted that pain to be masked, even if that mask was made of innocent blood.

"I know now what I must do...I promised that day, to myself, Draeg." Koan's amber eyes raised from the earth , boring straight into his fathers eyes. "I promised that I would destroy everything that had brought about Huts' death." He knew that by not calling Draeg his father was enough to enrage and hurt the copper wolf. "That means you, Draeg, and Serg, and even all of Sarnes." He shrugged, a strange gesture, one so full of ache, you had to feel bad for him. "I'm tired of feeling. I don't care anymore. We are equals now." he growled.

Any adult wolf looking on would've laughed. The elder of the pair of males was a Dragga, and the youngers father. He was in his prime, and quite probably, quite angery. The younger of the two.. well, he was an overgrown cub. Angery, yes, vengeful ,yes. But he was still just a hurt cub, who was lashing out at the world blindly. He'd grown far to big for his pelt, and needed to be knocked down a peg or three.

But Koan saw none of this. He merely saw his happy memories of his father slipping away, and felt a huge pang of regret and sorrow. He tried to override it with anger, but only could glaze it over his regrets. Btu theres was no gonig back now.

[Draeg]

“That’s good…I’ve missed you.” Draeg growled, bringing his gaze up from the ground and over to his son. The amber varg could see the conflict that dwelled within Koan’s eyes and it was all too obvious that he was fighting his personal battle from within, struggling between the desire to just let himself go and throw himself at Draeg in a blind fury and the need to let his anger go and have his father comfort him like he used to. Watching as the silvered furred varg lifted his gaze from the ground and returned it to Draeg, Koan’s amber eyes meeting his and boring into them. Koan spoke and Draeg suddenly felt a terrible pang in his heart as the younger wolf called him by his name rather than by the title he had held so dear, he knew that Koan didn’t really mean what he had said but just knowing that for one moment that the young Dragga didn’t consider him to be his father anymore hurt Draeg more than Nocturnia or Serg ever could.

Guilt and sorrow weighing heavily on his heart and mind the amber varg hung his head sadly and allowed himself to slump to the floor so that he was sitting at a rather awkward position. Looking back toward his son he flashed him a sad smile, realizing that Koan meant to ease his pain by killing him and Serg to avenge Huts’ death. “I see. Well then,” he lifted his head up in an almost submissive manner, showing his throat to Koan. “Here you go. If it’ll make you feel better then go ahead, I won’t try to stop you. But I want you to know that no matter what you do to me you will always be my son.”

[Koan]

Koan snarled, his eyes blazing. "Don't mock me! Fight. Fight as you would for your cubs, your pack. Dont just lie down." Koan's voice carried anger again, none of the regret was even to be seen anymore. "Because... if you don't..." Koan couldn't even finish his blind threat. Furious, he tore down the hillside, his eyes blazing. He lept for his father, and from his mouth was a cry of anger and sorrow so anchient, one could not tell if the leap was a sign of attack, or a sign of greeting.

Koan's fury was broken by one thought. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill the wolf that raised me...

Then something else came to him. Even as his body crouched in front of his father to spring at the elders throat, a voice echoed to him. "Koan, you idiot!" the voice said.

He froze, stunned for a moment, not sure if the voice was real or imagined. It occured to him that she was dead, she wasn't here, and yet... why now? Why was it the second he was about to relive himself of his pain, he heard her voice?

His ears pinned down in sudden confusion, and his amber eyes flicked down from his fathers face. Shame flushed up through him. Had he really thought that Huts would want her own friend slain in vengence? Was it his fault? If not, then who could Koan blame. Confusion held in his eyes, and he sat, his heart acheing. "All... all I wanted...was..." he stammered, like he used to. "Why... why can't I do it?" he growled softly.

[Draeg]

Draeg could easily hear Koan’s angered cries and it was obvious that the scarred varg hadn’t been expecting his father to surrender himself to him so easily, it seemed that more than anything Koan was looking for something to take his anger out upon. Through it all Draeg merely stared at his son with a sorrowful look on his face, his expression never once changing despite Koan’s blind and unfinished threats. He watched as Koan suddenly charged toward him, his eyes blazing as he tore down the hillside and pulled his face back into a furious snarl. Draeg’s eyes never left Koan’s silvery form for a moment, he wasn’t sure whether Koan would actually try to kill him or not however Draeg knew that he would not try to avoid whatever was to come. Koan bent down into a low crouch and Draeg closed his eyes, waiting to feel his son’s jaw wrap around his throat preparing for the intense pain that would come from with killing blow. However it never came, confused Draeg opened one of his eyes to Koan sitting on the ground with his head lowered in shame looking rather confused and distraught. Unsure of what had just happen but aware that his son was still in pain Draeg got to his feet and padded over to Koan and pulled him into a tight embrace, whispering softly into his ear as he did and nuzzling him affectionately. “I know, I know.”

[Koan]

The younger wolf was amazed, and almost pulled away. But something deeper then his anger and rage boiled up. Loss, pain, and a need to be protected. He didn't move, he simply sat there, leaning against his father. "I hate you... I hate you..." he whispered. "I hate hating you. I want you dead, but I don't... how can I even begin to deal with this." Koan's muzzled dropped onto his sholder. "I.. I can't even finish what I started. I just wanted a family..." he whispered. He felt it all droppoing away into a huge pit of regret and shadows. Tears roiled up in his eyes. The burn of holding them back felt both painful and satisfying. "Dad... I hate myself." he whispered, last of all, before he just let go and began to sob.

[Draeg]

Draeg continued to hold Koan close to him, doing his best to comfort his son during his time of need despite his hostile actions toward him earlier. The amber wolf didn’t blame Koan for what he said and somehow he knew that he never would, he blamed himself for Huts’ death as much as Koan and Cwen did and it pained him to see how much devastation her absence had caused. He couldn’t help but feel a deep feeling of regret and sadness as he realized that even if he and Koan did eventually work their problems out things would never be the same between them, there would always be a gap between them now that couldn’t be filled no matter how hard either of them tried. “It’s okay, I know, oh god how I know.” He whined softly, licking Koan’s head tenderly and trying his hardest to comfort his son. “I am so sorry Koan, this is all my fault. If I had just fought Serg instead of letting Huts than none of this would have ever happened and everything would be fine. But you do have a family, Mayan, Cwen, the pups, and I. All of Ge-Rad is your family now.” He pulled away and looked into Koan’s eyes, their amber orbs locking as the mighty Dragga spoke. “And don’t hate yourself. Huts loved you more than anything in the world and wanted nothing more than to start a family with you, she wouldn’t want you to hate yourself for what happened to her so don’t dishonor her last wish by doing so.”

[Koan]

Koan looked up at him. "My self hatred is nothing new, Dad." he whispered. "It's something I'm used to. It's just deeper then ever. Maybe... maybe if I hadn't told her I loved her... she wouldn't have done that."

Then his amber eyes throbbed with the heartbeat of torment. "I'll never hear her laugh. Or help her achieve her dream... or have pups. Or anything..." He collapsed again, and just lay down, his entire body flopping. He lay, in front of his father. "I don't want to hurt anymore... dad.. I'm tired of hurting."

[Draeg]

“No!” Draeg barked sharply, his features hardening. “You did the right thing, Huts was glad that you told her and so am I. I can definitely assure you that if you hadn’t told her you’d be feeling a whole lot worse than you are right now, she would’ve never known the way you felt about her and you spent your whole life contemplating what could’ve been.” He paused, closing his eyes and breathing out a deep sigh as though thinking of what to say to his son. “Huts’ loved to help others in need, we both know that, she would’ve help Cwen whether or not you have told her. I know that it seems unfair, believe me when I say that I wish that I had been the one to stay behind, it should’ve been me to begin with, but she wanted Cwen to live so she could bear her litter and she wanted to be sure that I would get to see them. Again I apologize, I really do, I would’ve liked to see how far you both would’ve gone.” He padded over to Koan’s now collapsed form and lay down next to his son, gently stroking his head with his tongue as he had done when Koan had been a pup. It pained him to see his son, who he had found and raised from cubhood, in such a devastated state. Draeg knew that our of all them Huts’ death had affect Koan the most and in essence killed a part of the silver furred varg, no more was he the shy, energetic pup that had wished to be exactly like his father but rather he had become a bitter, depressed varg that seemed to resent him and loathe everything that reminded him of his beloved Huts. A deep emptiness had formed in his heart, one that it seemed could never be fill except by the presence of another, another that neither he nor Draeg would ever see in life again. “I know you don’t son, no one wants to hurt. I really wish I could take all of your pain away from you, but that is unfortunately a part of life that we must all learn to live with.” He laid his head down next to Koan’s. “I want you to stay here with me in Ge-Rad, I miss you and I do think being around others will be good for you.”

[Koan]

"I think... I think that might be true. I know... she wanted to help others... but." Koan' raised his head, and the pain was still there, bleak and raw as a rocky canyon on a winters coldest night. "Why did she have to die doing that? What am I supposed to do? What about me?" Koan felt a wave of resentment well up against the golden fae, who now perhaps laughed at him from beyond her eternal reward.

"Why is it that I have to pay for everyone else's mistakes? I know I'm not the only one who lost someone... but... Dad..." Koan's amber gaze sank. "I loved her. I didn't want her to leave me so soon. Why.. why did it have to be so soon after..."

The silver wolf tilted his muzzle upwards, and let out a howl, a howl that pulsed with the feelings of darkness: anger, loss, pain, sorrow. He howled, and just kept howling, let all of his ache channel out into a single howl, all of that heartsick. He paused, panting and sobbing. His voice shook a little ,but it was calm, despite the pain in it. "I don't know if it would be best.. .for me to stay here."

[Draeg]

“I’ve asked myself that same question time and time again.” Draeg shifted his weight slightly in an attempt to make himself more comfortable, he gave his tail a quick flick and lifted his head up to look toward the sky. “I’ve questioned everything I was taught to believe in, ran every scenario that might have happened that day through my head, and each time I see things that might have been, parallel outcomes in which she might have survived, some with dire consequences and others without them. Sometimes I think that the gods are punishing me for my sins, allowing me to see what might have been in an attempt to torture me until the end of my days and I finally go to join Huts and Gan up in the Starlit. It’s not fair that she was taken from us so early in life, from me who saw her as a daughter and from you who loved her more than anything else in life. And if I am being punished then it’s not fair that you have to suffer alongside me.”

He turned his gaze back down toward his son where he noticed the flicker of resentment flash in his eye. A low growl escaped his maw and the amber Dragga rose to his feet so that he was looking down at Koan, he knew his son was angry with Huts for sacrificing herself for the sake of his cubs but Draeg did not want Koan resenting either the golden drappa for making a decision that had ultimately saved the life of not only his mate but his children as well. “You will do exactly what Huts told you to do, what she wanted you to do! You will live!” he barked somewhat harshly. “You will endure as you always have and find a way to get on with your life until the pain of what has happened is no more than a memory in your mind, you will find happiness to sustain you and realize that your life has meaning to not only Huts but to myself and those around you as it always has.” Upon hearing Koan’s words Draeg’s features soften and the amber male went to comfort his son, nuzzling him as he had done when he was a pup and licking his head softly.

Throwing his head back he let out a long, drawn out howl, a howl of mourning and loss reflected the grief he felt in his heart and soul. His song mingled with that of Koan’s and their sadness transverse across the vast landscape of Ge-Rad until they ran short of breath and were forced to stop, at which point the amber varg threw a comforting paw over the scared wolf’s shoulder and pulled him into a tight embrace. “Koan, you need to be around others to help you get through this. I want you here by my side like you’ve always been.” An amused smile formed on his battered muzzle. “Besides I need someone here I know I can trust, most of the pack hasn’t really seemed to have taken to me just yet.”

[Koan]

Koan shook his head firmly. "I can't stay here. I just tried to kill you. Wouldn't exactly make sense for me to stay here after that one." The silver male dipped his head. "And I think I've reached that point where you can't actually force me to remain here..."

The male rose to his feet, staring up at Draeg. "So, yes, perhaps it's foolish to hate myself, and yet hate myself I do." His eyes softened. "But I could never hate her. I hate myself for not being there. Had I been, at least then we both would've died."