Rethinking Time

[Alice]

(( Ok, I officially suck at titling RPs, so bare with me. ))

A l i c e

Painstakingly, I pushed my bi-hued body onward. I been here-- where I was headed-- before. Not that long ago really. Could it have only been a few weeks ago that I'd visited the Koran Pack for the first time with my best friend Wolfwren? Now, it seemed like it had been another time, another place, another... life. Perhaps it was.... I thought with a cock of my ivory hued head. My attitude was changed as was my name. But that was not the only thing that was different about me now. I shivered involuntarily as I remembered the scars that she'd inflicted upon me. Usually I did not dwell on the fact that the scars were visible along my flacks, but to where I was putting my paws.

Nowadays, I was misrepresented and altered in many ways. Like for one, I was not exultant about my life like I had once been and not at all providential. After the attack, I'd become poignant, or some might call it melancholic, and rather loathsome at times. It was a hard line to walk, but if I wanted to keep myself safe... well, then I'd better get used to being ignored-- even if I hated it. I missed my old friends-- the friends that Thalia-- my thought was a nasty sneer; I hated to even think my old name now-- had lost along with--

I felt the ground rush from under my paws, breaking my thought. Whoops. Not again, I thought sorrowfully. Ivory paws had buckled from underneath me again, since I'd not been paying attention to where my feet had been treading. Just then, I felt my soft bi-hued head smack deafening against the ground, creating an earsplitting crack. I felt dizzy then, lightheaded. As I stumbled to my over-sized paws once more, I shook my head yet again. Currently, I was positioned just inside the Koran pack boundaries, and hope fluttering inside me. Hope that someone would find me and guide me along the way there. I was a terrible scout.... I was a terrible pack member. Huffing an exhausted sigh, a single thought rang in my mind as I sat down. I hate being blind.

[/center]

[Neithan]

((Note to self: Read that thread. Also, I'll be posting in 1st person this time =) Yummy.))

I plodded on, the darkened sky hanging above my head, darkness clinging to every tree, every blade of grass in this forsaken land. It had changed so much since I had left, eking out an existance on the other lands of this land, which the humans, with their odd grunts and groans, called Europe. I had just recently returned, and my friends, as well as the land had changed grievously. I sighed, knowing that I would have to deal with it all, in time, and I couldn't keep vanishing, hiding from the truth, in these lera-forsaken woods. Why had so much changed in only a single moon?

I plodded on, hating how Sol, and the Moon, were gone. What would warm Terra? What would be my guiding light? I knew I could not exist, without the Moon, for I am darkness inside, and darkness cannot exist without light. Where was Silve, the light amidst my darkness? Where was my beloved? I shook away these wretched thoughts, knowing the would do naught against these storms, storms of darkness, storms of life, storms of evil, that now pervaded these lands.

Oh, yes, I radiated a certain calm, a peace, similar to nirvana, to other vargs. But, like everything about me, it was simply a facade, a mask put on to hide my true feelings, my true core. Inside, there was an enormous maelstrom, one which I could not beat, could not end, a darkness, so great that I cannot beat it, banish from me forever. I could not let it take control, for who knows what I would do to my packmates, my friends, if I lost control? This was a force, greater than myself, inside me. I fought it each night for control, and after each fight, I grew ever more troubled, trying to both fight back this monster, to bane it back to the black crevasses from whence it originated, and deal with the troubles, the hardships of life. I was only a mask of light, hiding a maelstrom of darkness within.

I snapped back into reality, back into this life, which I fought so hard to keep, and try so hard to live. I saw Thalia, a dear friend, and new pack member. I did not know of what had happened to her while I had not been in Translavania. I saw her on the pack boundry, just sitting. I trotted up to her. "Hello, Thalia. I haven't seen you in awhile."

I then saw her eyes, now milky cream, which had once been blue, bluer than the deepest ocean.

[Alice]

(( Sorry if me writing in first-person bugs you...))

A l i c e

I hate the feeling of insecurity that being blind brings, I thought dejectedly as I gazed obtusely with unseeing eye ahead of me. I hate feeling so feeble and pathetic around everyone. All the other vargs treat me different once they learn the truth about what happened to me. I loathe it. A long sigh escaped me parted maw as I thought this. I'd promised myself that I would not tell anyone the real truth unless they guessed whom I was. No one had so far except for Jazz. I missed him. After I'd fell down that dreaded waterfall and after he'd saved me with his voice, we'd made up the plan of renaming me. At the time, it had seemed like a devious idea, but now I was having second thoughts.

What if someone spread the word of my survival? Would she-- I still did not want to think her name-- come looking for me? Want to finish the job that she'd already started? Involuntarily, a shiver raced down my spine at the thought. It frightened me to even think that she might find me again. Anxiously, I hoped she never would. Personally, I hoped she would leave Transylvania, to save other wolves here from suffering from the same fate I had. But what would I do if she did find me? Run away? Or try to fight back? She was much stronger then me, I knew that for a fact. But maybe the adrenaline rush would help. Knowing me, I would probably just stand there and let her attack me again, like the coward I was, instead of doing anything rash like I wanted.

At that moment, my ears veered to the side to catch a voice. It sounded vaguely familiar. Whirling toward the sound, I glanced wildly around me, knowing what I would see. Darkness. Frustrated, a growl rumbled in my chest. As soon as my mind caught up with my actions, I unscrambled the words that had been said. Nothing stood out except for my old name. Thalia. My coherent mind then remembered the name of the creature that had spoken. Zabarack.

In a hurry, I sprinted to where Zabarack's voice had came from. Quickly and quietly, with a hesitant tone, I mused, "No, no, Zabarack! Hush! Don't use me name! Shh! She might hear you." Just then, I knew I was going crazy. She was not even here, but I acted as if she was. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Grr. I began again. Hopefully Zabarack would not think I was idiotic.... "All right, Zabarack." I paused for a split second then prattled on again. "Where ever you are, just don't ever ever say the name 'Thalia' again please. For my sake." I was about to add 'Because I want to live' but I decided not to. Too rude.

Feeling the ground with my paws, I brushed my flack against Zabarack's side for support. As I gawked unseeingly into space, with my side pressed against his, I whispered gently, "Alice. Please call me Alice." And with that I inhaled noisily and hoped that he would never utter my old name ever again.

[Neithan]

(Exactly why would it bug me? lol)
“Wherever you are, never use that name again. Please, she might hear you.”

What had happened to my friend during the absence I had taken? No one, not even me, should be blind. It was one of the most horrible fates that a varg could have. She pushed up against me. “Alice,” she breathed into my ear, “Call me Alice.”

What, what had I done when I left Translavania? Abandoned my friends to their cruel, cruel fates? I didn’t know what to do any more. I was more confused than a dog, stuck between freedom and its master. I had lost what little confidence I had gained in my journey to others lands, just then. Hopefully, my mask would not break not; hopefully never. I whispered with a hollow voice, which rang out into the midnight sky, “Okay…. Alice.”

I sighed, for I was slowly being pulled apart by guilt, and sadness. I was no longer the varg I once was either. Maybe, I was the same physically, unlike Tha-Alice, but I was slowly, but surely, losing my mind. Was this what the dark one who haunted my dreams meant? Was I delving into a darkness, which I could no longer ascend from? Sure, I had dived headfirst into many evils before, but those days, that lifetime, was gone, as surely as the Moon and Sol. I knew that I could not, maybe would not, hold this façade in place for much longer. It would crack, and it would rush out, like waters flowing out of a broken dam.

I then spoke again, with a voice which echoed itself in a melancholy way, “I’m sorry, Alice, for what has happened to you. If I had known, then maybe….” I could not end the statement, because it would be bittersweet. I had learned the extent of my abilities, and knew from trial and trial again to never push them. The repercussions were always too much to handle. If I won that way, the victory almost certainly would not feel sweet the next day. But still, I had wasted my time eking outward, farther and farther from Translavania, on the forests and plains of Europe.

I then whispered, “If you want, I can take you back to camp, Alice….”

[Alice]

(( I don't know.... I just write better in first-person and it annoys some people.))

A l i c e

As soon as Zabarack uttered my new name, Alice, the throbbing emotional pain inside me began to ebb. As it faded, a new emotion came into place. Blissfulness. For the first time after the attack, I felt happy. Would I be happy when I heard Wolfwren's voice again? I had not been around any of my other friends since I was attached except for Jazz. Smiling to myself, I knew I would be very content when I heard Wolfwren's voice again. But I had not seen Zabarack in what felt like an eternity, so I was still in high enough spirits. For now at least.

Delighted now, I whispered, "Thanks, Zab." I did not know if he liked the nickname, but right then, I did not care. It had been along time since I'd even talked to another varg besides Jasper. Where is Jazz anyway? I wondered ominously. I hope he is all right.

I sighed then. Blissfulness had taken its toll for a few heartbeats, but now the nervous apprehensiveness returned to me. Would I ever forget the attack? Would my beaten body ever go back to normal? Could one day, into the future, I be able to see once again? Would the vivid scars that were now visable along my flacks ever go away? Would they always be there? As a reminder of what had happened?

I gulped, frightened, and listened intently for Zabarack's voice yet again. "I’m sorry, Alice...." I heard him mumble. Then heard him add, "I can take you back to camp, Alice...." It seemed like a promising enough request. I did not want him to feel sorry for what he had said, but I was fully capable of walking myself to camp thank you very much for your concren. After a moments pause, I rememembered what I had thought before Zabarack had showed up. I'd wanted help into camp. Not wanting to say anything more, I just settled with a slit nod of my head.

For a few seconds, I stood there after my nod. Then I stepped back a few paces to give Zabarack some room. Looking with unseeing eyes, I stared at what I thought was him face, but I could not be sure. Then I added to my nod. "Thank again, Zab. It is nice to see you again." A pause. Then, "Yes, i would like that very much if you could take me back to camp."

[/center]
((Could have been better, but I'm lacking muse right now.))

[Neithan]

((Pray to the god of muse to give you some. I heard he is very generous. BTW, I don't tend to get annoyed unless I'm repeating something I just said. Unless I'm already very irritated, lol))
"Yes, I would like that very much, Zab."

No good had come out of my leave of absence. My confidence was now totally shattered. My belief that there was anything good left: shattered into a million pieces. I was breaking apart, and I knew it.

I couldn't keep falling apart; I would have to make a stand sooner or later. I might not want to, but if I were to stay the same as before this incident, I would have to. And even then, I might be changed. Either way, it was a lose-lose situation for me, and a win-win for Wolfbane.

Why had my Moon deserted me? Where was my beloved now, in a hell with the Moon? Why must everything bad happen when I just get back?

I knew naught the answers to those questions, and there was only one way to find out. Yet, I'm such a blasted coward.... why can't I do anything? Why must fear paralyze me so?

I led the way back to camp. This ordeal was now over, or almost over, and now I would have to start another.

[Alice]

((Well, lets hope that I get my muse back in this post))


A l i c e

Soundlessly, I followed what I thought was Zabarack, but I could not be certain. My ivory ears were pressed forward, my multi-hued eyes strained ahead, even though I could not see. Ivory paws treaded after what I thought was were Zabarack was headed. Head low, I said casually to where ever Zabarack was, "So, how have you been, Zabarack? I've not seen you in a while." I laughed without humor. How long exactly had it been since I had last seen Zabarack? "Really, I have not seen you in an eternity!" I stretched the truth, just a bit. It felt like an eternity since I have seen him, but really it probably was only a few months...or weeks...I could not be certain of that either.

Sighing, and picking up my pace after Zabarack, I added. "So, have you seen Silve in a while? What about Wolfwren?" My voice was just a whisper now-- soft and velvet sounding. But the intent was clear; I wanted to know what had happened to my other friends since after the attack. I knew that it was my fault that I'd been attacked; I been the one whom had howled in joy to let her know I was there. She probably would not have found me if I have not howled. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I thought smugly as I snapped back to the present.

Feeling timid, I called out hesitantly, "Zab? Where are you exactly?" I could not hide the worry in my voice as I padded fasted, head down.

((Sorry, still no muse.... Even ask Tasa.))

[Neithan]

"So, how have you been, Zabarack? I haven't seen you in an eternity." I smiled, Alice was seeming somewhat more like her old self. Even though she probably did not want to. "I'm doing ok." I just wanted to think, and think alone, which was why I wasn't being very talkative.

"So, have you seen Silve, or Wolfwren lately?" I winced at the mention of Silve's name. "Please, never say that name in front of me again. It brings back too many good-and bad- memories. And I haven't seen Wolfwren in awhile, haven't seen her since she joined the pack, Alice." I still could never get used to calling her Alice.

I heard her hesitant question in the distance. "Zabarack, where are you?" 'Darn it,' I thought to myself, 'I forgot she was blind.' I then said, "Over here, Alice. Just keep following my voice." I kept talking to her until she found me. "OK, stay close to me. Please. You won't get lost that way."

[Alice]

A l i c e

He was doing okay, or so he declared. But I'd bet he was just putting up a show. I did not need eyes to know that he was hiding something. Something he was not telling me. Something.... Just the very thought of one of my friends not telling me made me feel strange. I could not pinpoint what the feeling was, it was just something. Not wanting to push him any more was what stopped me from asking more about him comment, "I'm doing ok."

Then, he answered my next question, and the answer caught me off guard. He did not want me to speak Silve's name ever again. Why? I had thought Silve was his best friend. What was she now, his enemy? When he mentioned Wolfwren, I let that one pass. But I was still curious about why he had talked about Silve that way. So, a little hesitantly, I mused,

"Why can't I say Sil-- I mean, that name in front of you? I thought you and her were best friends...." My voice trailed off.

I reached his side then, following his voice as he responded to my last question. I knew I would not get lost if I stayed close, so I would. I did not have that much trouble with walking as I had used to. None the less, I wanted to kept him talking till we made it back to camp so I could follow his voice. Diffidently, I asked then, noting the small cry in my voice. The question was stupid and dumb, but I had to ask it. "What have you been doing up till now? I mean, the last time I saw you was by the river with... her...." I let the plead in my voice tone ring the question. What, I asked myself rapidly, What happened to my friend Zabarack?[/center]

[Neithan]

"Why don't you want me to say Sil-her name?" Alice probed me, and it was gentle, but I didn't want to say anything about it. I let that question ring out, into the midnight-like sky.

"What have you been up to? The last time I saw you, you were at the river with her." I really had toughened up on my journey through Europe. "Please, let's not talk about me...." I pleaded hollowly. I really did not want to talk, it just hurt to talk, at least, about some things. I knew that I would have to answer her questions eventually, but right now.... it just hurt too much to talk of such things.

I knew the events that had been set into motion after I left were not my fault, but it felt like they were. Like what had happened to Alice. I lived with a heavy heart, and my innocence had left me forever, and probably my kindness as well.

The facade has almost broken.

[Alice]

A l i c e

It did not fail to notice me in the slightest that Zabarack had completely ignored my first question about Silve. What with him? I wondered, infuriated, but also rather apprehensive about him. He seemed different these days, but maybe it was just me.... I shrugged off my worries and angers and tried-- successfully-- to listened to him as he answered my next prattle of questions. Smiling with an open-heart, I realized that I truly had been anxious to see my friend after all this time. Truly, it had seem like an eternity since we'd last talked.

But he did not answer either of my questions, I noted. He just asked me not to talk about him. I snorted by his side and said in a devious tone,

"What am I supposed to talk about? The pros and cons of breathing? The many reasons of right and wrong? Why the eagle catches and eats the fish? Nature itself? Should we really question mother nature? What, by Tor's name, are we to talk about besides over past? The idiotic reason why Tor and Fenris gave Man the gift of intelligence? The reason why Man hunts and kills us wolves for our skin? And, surely, most defiantly not a talk of Wolfbane." I sneered Wolfbane name as I said it. I loathed the very idea of evil on this world. Nonetheless, I had to admit, even just to myself, I was prattling on. Just a bit. I smiled-- half deviously and smugly-- to myself and continued to stare absentmindedly ahead of me.[/center]

[Neithan]

"So, what do you want to talk about ... and surely, most definitely not a talk of Wolfbane."

I hate this facade I've had to wear, for so long, it was wearing me down, like a burden that has been abruptly, suddenly, dropped onto my shoulders. I had many burdens, now that I think about it....

I was suprised at the ferocity of her voice, carrying on, echoing throughout the whole valley. I did not answer her question, I didn't want to.... and the only way I would talk about her previous questions was if the facade broke.

Has she seen it? Blind as she might be physically, doesn't mean she's blind spiritually. Well, without Fenris and Tor.... and maybe her, there was no light in this world. Why do I still live on? Why did I persevere in this world, which was working so hard on casting me down?

Curse this morning sun, drags me into one more day / Of reaping what I've sown, of living with my shame / Welcome to my world, and the life that I have made ...

She broke it. I'm suprised. She actually managed to break it....

"How have I been? Do you REALLY want to know how I've been? Do you really, surely want an answer to that? Do you even need one? Can't you tell, already?" My laugh rang out hollowly through the valley. "Of course you can tell. You can tell everything. So why don't you tell me why I don't want you mentioning her name? Well, can you tell me?"

Someone pushed me off the brink, finally.

[Alice]

A l i c e

I could not quite pinpoint what was was wrong with Zabarack and that bothered me. What was wrong with my dearest friend? Did he have a multiply personality disorder or something? Or was he slowing, but successfully, turning? Not into another animal, that I knew. But could he be turning his kind ways against himself? Turning-- I dared to think the word-- bad? Like Wolfbane? I shallowed hard and wished again the I could see. So I could read the expression on Zabarack's blackened face. See what was happening to him inside. Help him even. For I knew then that I really, truly did want to help my poor friend. He looked in pain.

I'd lost my devious mood now after Zabarack had snapped back with his comeback. I wanted to think of a witty comment to snarl back at him forcefully, but I could not think of any. And also, to my total surprise, I did not want to fight with him. I did not want to loose my closest friend. All I wanted to do was calm him down and help him. That was all. Simple. Easy. Effortless. Or so I might think, for I could not be totally certain he would want to be calmed down or helped for that matter. Maybe he wanted to be like this. Could I except that? Would I-- if my theory was true-- like the new and improve Zabarack?

I replied to his snippy question thoughtfully.

"Of, course I want to knew where you have been. I always want to know, but if you don't want to tell me, I will understand." As I thought, then, through his questions, I became infuriated with him. I stopped walking. "How am I supposed to know where you were? I'm not mind reader, though I wish I was!" I was yelling now. "Then, I would just know what you were thinking! It would have been much easier that way! I don't get you, Zabarack! First your all nice and now? What? You worship Wolfbane? And how is Tor's name am I supposed to know why you don't want me to say Silve's name?" I was provoked now and I added in a rude tone."Silve, Silve, Silve, Silve, Silve! I'll keep on saying her name if you don't tell me!"[/center]


((Fun!!! I LOVE making Alice be mad!!! I should infuriate her more often!!))

[Neithan]

(You could've just stayed happy. But noooo,you had to make him get mad. And where does that end at? 2 mad vargs. lol)

"And how, in Tor's name, am I supposed to know why I'm not allowed to say Silve's name?" She had done exactly as I had done. Hopefully, she would not tread the path that I walked.

"Silve, Silve, Silve, Silve, Silve! I'll keep saying her name until you tell me why you don't want me saying it!" Each word drove into my dead heart like a stake. I laughed, finally maddened enough. "Tor? Do you believe in that nonsense? Even when your supposed, precious Tor left?" I really couldn't say why, why I didn't want her name spoken, it would kill my heart. If, at least, it wasn't dead already.

I laughed again. "Wolfbane? Do you really believe I have sunk that low yet? Have you really lost that much faith in me? No, I don't serve Wolfbane. I'm not even sure I believe in any god any more. And you know what, you really want to know what? I don't think there is any happiness left in this world, especially...." I trailed off.

I ended on a somewhat more mellow note. "I've been to places where you've never been, and where you will likely never be at. Does that answer your question well enough? Well, it had better, because you aren't going to get another damn word out of me." We were almost at camp. I abruptly stopped.

[Alice]

((Hehe! I like mean charries! All the more fun! Umm... Dunno where it is gonna end, but Alice can't hold a grudge that well, so she'll forgive him.))


A l i c e

I sighed. He was so stubborn. Did he always have to end this way? On a bad note? The last time had. . . if I'd remembered right. . . . But that was beyond me now. Pulling myself to the present, I concentrated on what I was going to say to him now. He seemed mad. . . or just not wanting to tell me anything. It was hard to tell with Zabarack.

Silently I growled to myself. What was I going to do with my friend? I wanted to help him. Terribly. So I mused sadly, dipping my head,

"Honestly, Zab, are you okay? You seem different. . . ." I trailed off. Then hesitantly I added, "I'm sorry, my friend. I did not mean to hit a tender part of your life. I was not meaning to be a jerk, I was just honestly curious." I shrugged off all the rest of the things he'd said, hoping that he too could forgive.

I knew we were close to the camp now because I felt Zabarack stop beside me. Automatically, I stopped too, waiting.[/center]