Just to see what you guys think

[vanner]

Snowbrezze came to slowly her paw hurt and it was killing her. "Where am I?" she thought to her self as she looked around the all she could see were trees and snow. She stood up careful not to hurt her paw. " Vanner...Crystal?" she called into the night her ears flat agenst her skull and her tail between her legs. "Where are you?" she called out again her voice wavering slightly. Snow jumped slightly when another wolf came out of the trees. His fur was a glossy grey his eyes the color of the sky when it's going to rain. He watched her as if she was an unforant rabbit who had crossed his path. "what are you doing on my land?" He asked his stormy eyes seacrhing Snows face. "I..I dont know.." Snow said in a small voice her ears going farther aganest her skull. "Whats your name?" he asked hes eyes suspicuse. "My name is..Snowbrezze." she whimpered as he came closer to her she noticed that he had a scar on the side of his face from his eye all the way to his shoulder. "Are you looking for a pack by chance?" he smiled and evil smile beofre padding twareds her once more.




I know it's a cliff hanger but i want you guys to reply and let me know what you think I might finish it.

[Farrah]

Good ideas but you need to work on structure...a beautiful mansion won't stand without a firm foundation...corny I know, but anyway...You have a lot of run-ons and you repeat alot of stuff...for ex.:

Snowbrezze came to slowly her paw hurt and it was killing her.

Yes, we understand that it hurt. We don't need to hear it twice. You could say "it hurt" or "it was killing her." It's also a run-on. "Snowbrezze came to slowly" is one sentence and "Her paw hurt/Her paw was killing her" is a second sentence. A person with such a good story board blueprint should understand the basic grammer techniques which you probably do. If you ever plan to make it big in life, you're going to have to notice your mistakes. If you mess up even once in writing, or even speaking, people will underestimate you. They'll even degrade you or worse...label you.

Please fix your mistakes and then finish it...

I have an idea on how to continue...

A warning signal flashed quickly through Snowbrezze's mind. Her inner self knew this wolf could not be trusted, but why not. She searched her memory. Somehow, that voice was familiar, but she couldn't place it. Still, why was there no reason to trust this wolf. He looked nice enough...almost handsome. He had even offered her a place in his pack. Why not confide in him? But even as she struggled inwardly with this question, she knew she needed a place to stay until she could even dream of recalling her past. She knew there was something she needed to do involving her siblings, Vanner and Crystal; but what?
While she contimplated this, she replied confidently, without showing any sign of her unsureness," Yes, I am."